Happy Birthday to me..

So it's my birthday tomorrow and it is also weigh in day.. Not long left in the comp, although I am pretty sure I am in for the long haul this time. I am feeling a bit nervous about weigh in (as per usual) but this time I don't think I will lose and I am a bit disappointed in myself. I kind of set myself a mini goal to be a certain weight by my birthday (a realistic one) and I still couldn't achieve it..!! And I actually think I self saboutaged (sp?) myself the last few days. Does anyone else do that?? Knowing I had this number in my head and also it is a number I couldn't conquer last time...kind of made me do silly little/big things - such as eat chips!! Very bizarre.. and bloody annoying... I have serious issues I feel.. LOL

Anyway, back to the birthday - my little boy wants to cook me a cake so I scoured the internet today for a low cal chocolate cake but couldnt find and easy one. And I can't find my cookbook with the recipe in it... It occurred to me today, that it is little things like this that can blow everything completely out of the water!! I must be strong.... I must be strong.... Oh god, how am I gonna stay on this life long journey??

D-Day - Week 6 of the Comp..

I get so nervous on weigh in day..? At home this morning I weighed myself as soon as I got up, after my shower, after I had put clothes on and then again before I walked out the door!! Am thinking I may need to get help about this issue cause I am driving myself nuts... Hobbled my way into the gym (sore toe) and took off every bit of clothing that could come off without being obscene - drum roll................ lost 900grams!! Yay.. I am very happy with that. Can't understand why the gym staff don't see that as such a great thing?? (Although the guy this morning was great) My aim is .5 to 1kg a week.. If i get a bit more - bonus! I figure if I go all out and try and kill myself, this isn't going to last long. I have so surprised myself by sticking to the gym for close to 7 weeks now. Another achievement for me. **clap clap**

T1 & T2 - Where have you gone my babies????

Okay, while I am loving this losing weight business, why oh why did it have to be my best assets (in my opinion) which were the first to go?? My tits are shrinking and I don't like it!! HAHAHA My bras are too big (now that's a first) and I can fit my whole boob in one hand..! LOL ... I am still in a D - well I think I am - haven't ventured out to buy new bras just yet, but I loved my DD's and so did hubby! He came into the bathroom the other day while I was getting dressed and said - "Gee you're struggling to fill that bra aren't you?" Well, at least he noticed. :)

As for my muffin top - well that's another story! Please, please go away.. I even upped my crunches to almost 50 each go (nearly makes me spew for some reason.?) but it is still there.. Grrrrr... Annoying.. My butt is slowly gaining a nicer shape but it has a long way to go yet.

So - it's WEIGH IN tomorrow - Week 6 already.. Always feel nervous on weigh in morning.
The challenge so far has been okay.. I might be a bit picky but I can certainly suggest some things that they should think about changing if they do it again next year. Firstly, just because I don't lose 4+ kilos a week does not mean I am not trying hard and doing the right things. What it does mean is that I have a job and kids and a life and cannot spend 3 or more hours a day at the gym!! Secondly, I don't even know how I am going in comparison to the other contestants... they are so bloody busy down there that the little things go by the way.

My big BAD news is that I have injured my big toe and am finding it very hard to even walk let alone exercise. I am a bit upset about it all actually and really want to go to the gym. Don't know how I am going to handle this little hurdle but I am sure I will get through it..

but Weight, there's more.......

Okay, so the doctors told me I was too fat to successfully carry a pregnancy (well not in so many words but..) I decided I was going to prove them wrong! So began a long 10 months of overeating, eating shit food and absolutely no exercise whatsoever.. Ánd 10 months later - NO PREGNANCY! What the fuck was I doing? Depression maybe? Probably, but I wasn't going to go to a doctor to be put on anti depressants. Lived through that with my mum as a teenager - am not and will not do that to my kids. (I love you mum xx).

Then I met Miss A. She was vivacious, outgoing, beautiful and skinny. First time we had a conversation, she told me that she had a lapband and she used to weigh 140kgs. I wanted to be her. I asked her every question I could think of about lapbanding and over the next few months decided that's what I was going to do. I went to the seminar in September 2009 and signed up for health insurance the very next day. This was it - my life was going to change. In 12 months I would have the surgery and be on my way to skinny! I had my initial appointment and was told that I would have to wait 12 months after the surgery before even trying to conceive... 12 MONTHS!!!! WTF?? I went ahead and booked my surgery date - it is on the 20th September this year!! But then I walked out of the surgery and I changed my mind!! I must remember to cancel that appointment! Hahaha

They talk about 'moments' and I think that may have been mine. My imaginary friend slapped me across the face and said WAKE UP GIRL!! While lapbanding maybe the tool for some people - it isn't for me. I am sick of the quick fixes - the easy way out. I can do this, I know I can and I will.

My friend Miss B gave me the inspiration and gentle encouragement to join the gym. (B you really are a true friend xx). As of today, I am 7 kilos lighter by the scales but I already feel so much better. I can actually lie in bed at night without trying to catch my breath before falling asleep. I can do 12 minutes with my heartrate at 165 on the stair machine!!! That is a massive achievement for me. I have even tried bootcamp (yes it is as bad as it sounds!) but so worth it! The adrenalin that pumps through my body afterwards is fantastic. I am really starting to feel good again - ALIVE....

I know I have a long, hard road ahead of me and that's ok.. Rome wasn't built in a day. I am sure I will come across hurdles along the way too - but that's ok. Life wasn't meant to be easy. I am so sick of feeling sorry for myself and feeling like crap. On the 1st of February 2010 I changed my life. I am going to succeed... and my biggest success will be another child.. :))

Shhh.....Miscarriage is a dirty word!?

Before I go any further, I would just like to say that I do NOT want you to feel sorry for me. That's not what this is about. It is just my way of dealing with what has occurred in my life and maybe helping someone else out along the way. (Not that anyone is reading me yet!) LOL

Okay, so why is it that no-one wants to talk about that terrible M word? I want to. I want the world to know that I have been pregnant 4 times but only had one child. I want to talk about how that makes me feel without being ashamed and embarrassed. I want to know how others have coped. I want to tell people that it is okay to grieve for a 6 week old 'foetus' (as the doctors say) - it is okay to cry and cry and cry for your child/ren that never made it to this world. It is okay to bloody well talk about it too..

Did you know that for every four couples who welcome new babies into the world each year there is one which won't? (I googled that statistic). Miscarriage is very common. After I had mine, I found out about friends, people I work with, even relations who had all suffered the same way as I had.. But no-one wanted to talk about it. Why? I just don't understand it.

Sometimes life can kick you in the guts.......

In November 2008 (2 years after my first child was born) we found out that we were expecting again.. The excitement was uncontrollable - life was finally going to plan for us. By the end of November that dream was gone. My child was gone. Only 8 weeks old - but still my baby. No explanation, no warnings - just gone...

This wasn't the first time for me. I miscarried a baby before my son was born, back in 2004 - he was 12 weeks old. We went for our first ultrasound - so excited, so in love with this little being that we had to wait 9 months to meet. I remember lying on the bench and craning my neck so I could have a look. My husband beside me holding my hand. His life was getting back on track - he had waited 10 years to continue on with his life plan. The ultrasound lady said she would need to do the u/s internally. I didn't even question why, just thought it was normal.. I waited while she moved this thing around inside me - she didn't say a word. Then she informed me she would need to get a senior to come and have a look and walked out of the room. What was happening? I didn't have a clue but a feeling of sickness washed over me and I guess I knew something was wrong. The senior came in, looked at the screen and said "The foetus doesn't have a heartbeat - take as long as you like in the cubicle and come out to the front desk when you are ready." And then she left. She just got up and walked out of the room while I lied there with a little baby in my belly whose heart wasn't beating - and screamed the cubicle down. And sobbed and sobbed and sobbed, while my poor hubby just sat there not knowing what to do. I still remember how I felt that day and it still brings a tear to my eye. :( The doctor booked me in for a D & C the next day and asked me if we would like to have the "foetus" tested. We did - and are glad we did. Our baby was diagnosed as having Triploidy. Too many chromosones and "not viable for life". This might sound really weird - but that gave me some comfort. If he had have survived the pregnancy, he wouldn't have survived for long.

Anyway, back to 2008 - we were told to wait 3 month before trying again and in late May 2009 we were pregnant again! Wow, that was easier than we thought. And very short lived - I was only 6 weeks when I miscarried again. My god! What is wrong with me?! Why can I not stay pregnant? All questions that I don't have the answer to and neither do the doctors. Not that they care - well that is how it felt. The same thing kept getting repeated to me over and over again - you are overweight................

Testing, Testing 1 - 2 - 3

New to the world of blogging, but have been thinking about doing it for a long time now. I ask myself why - another question I just can't answer..?? Because I want to? Because everyone else seems to be doing it? Because I've got something to say and I want YOU to listen? Haha.... I really don't know why I have the urge to do it, but if you read on - you just might find out!

So - a bit about me.... I am 33 years old, married with one child and I also have a stepchild who lives with us. Life can be pretty darn hard somedays (well most days) but we are alive and healthy and I guess that is the main thing. Right?

My main reason for starting this blog was because I have just made some HUGE changes in my life and I thought it wouldn't hurt to put it all out there - maybe make myself accountable to someone, and hopefully stick with it.. So stay tuned - even if only for a laugh at my expense!