2012 - You Suck!

2012...... where do I start?  What a freaking whirlwind.  I feel like I am in the middle of one of those twisters and am holding on for dear life. Everyone needs me, I cannot fall apart. But I want to crawl into a hole and die some days.  Pathetic hey?

*Slap, Slap*.. Wake up lady!!  You have a family that needs you. You have a son, the most precious thing on this earth, that needs you!! You are ALIVE.  Stop living like you are the one that has died.......

These are just some of the chants that go on in my head every single day. Am I depressed? I dunno, maybe.  I've been to see someone. One day out of the blue I ended up at the doctors. Couldn't bring myself to go to work that day.  I got dressed, took my son to school and then went back home to bed.  I emailed my boss and said "Sorry, I am not coping very well this week. I need to take the week off".  He emailed me back, "Take as long as you need".  I am so grateful to be working with people who may not get me but they understand.  Anyway, I rang my doctor and tried to get an appointment but couldn't get in for a week. I didn't know what to do.  I was a mess and I knew I needed help.  My husband didn't know how to help me. We were at breaking point.  So I rang another doctor and got in straight away. As I was a new patient I had to see the nurse beforehand and go through a questionnaire; How old are you? 35. Do you drink alcohol? No, but sometimes I wish I did.  Do you or have you ever smoked? No. Family medical history, we'll start with your Dad................ absolute total uncontrollable melt down.  That poor nurse, she didn't know what to do, so she just hugged me while I sobbed. She took me to an unused office and told me I could wait there for the doctor instead of going back into the waiting room.  There are some lovely people in this world.

I think the doctor thought I wanted drugs.  She asked me if I would be visiting her again or if this was a once off visit! I told her - I just need help.  She wanted to put me on anti depressants. I said no. So we decided I would see a counsellor.  And that's what I did.  No shame here.  I needed to talk to someone before I did something stupid.  I think seeing her helped me cope with the next few kicks life dished out for me. 

My stepdaughter, who I have raised since she was 7 (she is now 17), decided that for some reason and totally out of the blue, that she did not want to live with me anymore.  Up until now I thought I was the luckiest stepmum in the world.  In 10 years, she had never once said to me that I wasn't her mother. No, she was saving it all up for the almighty blow of - "Dad, I won't live with you while you are living with her?" !!!!! WTF?? Where the hell did that come from?  We (her father and I) still do not know and can not understand it.  I often question whether it has anything to do with our ttc journey as she knew that we were trying to have another baby. Did she feel threatened? Was the focus no longer on her?  Hard to comprehend I know.  I just don't understand it.

And then in March my Nonno (grandfather) could not live another minute on this earth with out his Snow White.  In 10 months I had lost my Queen, Prince Charming and the man that had played a part in my creation. Life as I knew it was changed forever.  I am so so sad and I struggle to get through a day.  I am without a doubt no longer the person I was 12 months ago.  I am stronger..................