Decision Time

The Biggest Decision of My Life...

I wish it was what colour to dye my hair or what shade cream to paint our living room walls but it's not.  The decision I had to make - my life changing, plan wrecking, heart shattering decision - was to stop trying to have a baby. 

Why?  I have been trying to have babies since 2003.  I have managed to be pregnant 5 times but I only have 1 child.  I haven't used contaceptives for close to 9 years and the few months I did after my bubs was born are laughable to me now.  I have "unexplained secondary infertility".  What does that mean?  Well in a nutshell it means that the 4001 blood tests and the exploratory surgery, etc cannot give me answers.  The doctors are stumped basically.  I am sick of being told "we don't know why it isn't happening"!!  Well if you don't know how the hell am I supposed to know?  I have tried Clomid, IUI, temping, peeing on opk's.  I have even tried not trying and going on a holiday to take my mind off it (!!).. Still not pregnant!  My marriage has been pushed to the absolute brink, the words "I can't do this anymore" said to me by my husband more than once.  I think he may have even muttered the D word once too but was sorry afterwards.  I have had enough.  I am physically, emotionally and financially spent.  I am so over this ttc taking over my life.  It rules my every waking hour.  I have basically put my life on hold in the hope that I would get pregnant this month and this month and this month......... 

So I have made a decision.  I have decided to stop.  I am giving up the dream, ripping up The Plan (fat lot of good that was) and moving on with my life.  And I am sad.  I am very very sad but I know it is something I have to do.  Life cannot go on like this.  My hubby will be 47 next week and we both think that he may be past having a baby at home. 

June 2012....my last month
I decided I would go out fighting.  One more round of IUI.
CD1 - June 8th : What an emotional day.  I had myself convinced that I was pregnant, I always do every bloody month.  I think I cried most of the day.  Not because my period had arrived but because I knew the end was drawing near and the clock was ticking loudly.  I cried for my little boy.  He wants a little brother or sister.  I let him down.  I just cried!

I laid down the law to my hubby - this is it!  The last month.  If I can give up my life long dream you can give up your beer, and going to bed early to avoid sex.  We are in this together boy!!  I mapped it all out on the calendar, numbered all the days and highlighted our most likely "fertile time".  I made him tell his boss that when he got the call he would have to go.  No buts about it!  I put The Plan into motion.  You'd think I would have learnt my lesson about plans.  Fuck the plans!! 

My cycles are usually about 34 days with ovulation occurring at CD19 or 20.  I had plenty of time to ease into this month.. Rang the fertility nurse and booked in for my scans, etc according to my schedule.  Well that all changed when I had a huge temp dip at CD13! WTF?? It couldn't be surely.  A 'normal' cycle?? No way.  I'm not ready!!  What about my fucking plan????   I rang my nurse and went for my follicle scan early.  Lying there with my fanny exposed to all (gotta love internal ultrasounds!) I said to the nurse, "you are going to tell me there are some nice big follies there now."  Instead she told me she couldn't find my ovaries!!!  Are you fucking kidding me?  She called in another nurse and they poked and prodded and rejigged the stick thingy in my vag but nope, my ovaries didn't want to play.  It's laughable really.  Why on earth would I think that this might go smoothly for me?  Pfft!! I am one flawed lady. LOL.  Stay calm Ely, no big deal, we can handle this..  Off to get blood tests instead.  Check LH and progesterone levels.  Don't cry, don't cry.......
(as I sit here and type this listening to my ipod the songs "Just Get Better" by Santana and "The Dog Days are Over" by Florence and the Machine come on one after the other!!)

CD14 - Positive OPK.  I seriously cannot believe this.  Why this month?  Is it a good sign or a bad sign?  IS IT REAL???  I really have this feeling that this is a trick.  I am reassured by the nurse that my LH level are over 50 which means that I am definitely surging and releasing an egg.  I have doubts.  I didn't see the follicles.  What if it's not really happening?  What if I'm surging but no egg?  What if the clouds fall out of the sky?!!  Relax Ely!! Believe.  But I can't, I just can't....

CD15 - this is it!!!  IUI day.  Hubby is nervous as hell and I believe just a bit scared.  Scared that his sample will come back bad.  He's in there for only 25 minutes - Good job babe!  We giggle as we leave the lab.  I ask him how much was in the jar.  He says not much.  We both worry together now.  What better way to take our minds off it but to go shopping while we wait.  Tick, tick, tick.. What time is it? 12.00.  What time is it now? 12.15!  And now? Finally time to head back to the lab.  We walk down the long corridor and into the room right next door to the lab.  A screen for me to get undressed from the waist down behind.  A bed with stirrups attached to the end of it in the middle of the room. And a stool at the end of it.  The door to the lab is open and we can see the scientists playing with our spermies!  The scientist comes in, Ben, he was our scientist last time and he remembered us.  That was nice.  Going through the motions now - making sure the sperm is ours by checking the label - how do we know for sure that we don't get someone else's?  We don't really!!  Ben tells me about the sample and it is GREAT!!  Hubby fluffs his feathers and sticks his chest out.  He is proud.  I am relieved.  We are putting back 20 million little ones with 76% motility.  I am reassured that this is GREAT!!  I lie there holding my husbands hand.  The closest we can get to intimate whilst trying to concieve our baby.  My nurse tells me that everything looks great.  It all "looks" great.  I say a prayer (I am not a religious person).. I silently in my head ask my Dad, Nonna & Nonno to help me if they can (I hope they aren't watching me with my legs spread and hoisted up in stirrups!) LOL.  And in a flash it's all over.  I lie there for about 15 minutes, legs in the air.  Praying, praying, praying... It's my time.  Please don't let my dream go down the drain.  Please let this be it.......

So now I am in the Two Week Wait.  I don't want to think about it but it is like a fire burning a hole in my brain.  Not only am I waiting to test I am waiting to see if my childhood dream is gone forever.  I'm not quite sure how I am going to deal with it but I know I will have to. 

"Que sera sera
Whatever will be will be
The future's not ours to see
Que sera sera"

That is NOT on my ipod!! LOL